And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
