his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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