you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
