I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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