i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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