FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
