Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
