life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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