well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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