the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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