All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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