What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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