Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
