Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
