If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize