Texts From Last Night

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  (818): View more from California

  Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.

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  (818): Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life. http://tfl.nu/wz8b
  Replies (10) Good night (598) Bad night (1191)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.

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  (512): i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th. http://tfl.nu/3s5y
  Replies (9) Good night (2678) Bad night (877)
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  (754): View more from Florida

  you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.

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  (754): you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence. http://tfl.nu/syql
  Replies (16) Good night (4353) Bad night (1031)
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  (619): View more from California

  he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house

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  (619): he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house http://tfl.nu/t2gc
  Replies (3) Good night (3235) Bad night (715)
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?

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  (225): So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand? http://tfl.nu/cltx
  Replies (4) Good night (1794) Bad night (1503)
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  (516): View more from New York

  the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.

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  (516): the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it. http://tfl.nu/0mw3
  Replies (3) Good night (2056) Bad night (1045)
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  (310): View more from California

  A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.

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  (310): A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf. http://tfl.nu/8l3i
  Replies (2) Good night (1330) Bad night (775)
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  (530): View more from California

  No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth

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  (530): No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth http://tfl.nu/uojr
  Replies (8) Good night (1271) Bad night (426)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.

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  (440): He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face. http://tfl.nu/bq6r
  Replies (9) Good night (533) Bad night (829)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.

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  (410): Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men. http://tfl.nu/tvw2
  Replies (11) Good night (982) Bad night (485)
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  (315): View more from New York

  He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.

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  (315): He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition. http://tfl.nu/pnv9
  Replies (8) Good night (1060) Bad night (451)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I felt guilty, it was so good!

  (1-727): View more from Florida

  Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.

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  (727): I felt guilty, it was so good! (1-727): Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs. http://tfl.nu/6lic
  Replies (2) Good night (699) Bad night (280)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.

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  (425): So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height. http://tfl.nu/0pmh
  Replies (9) Good night (534) Bad night (271)
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.

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  (828): Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date. http://tfl.nu/q3v1
  Replies (4) Good night (492) Bad night (262)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...

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  (512): I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute... http://tfl.nu/0ksf
  Replies (0) Good night (827) Bad night (245)

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