So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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