I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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