I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
