god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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