Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
