I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
