I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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