my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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