The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
