She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I can feel your judgement through the phone
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
