The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
