dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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