what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
