Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
