I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
