hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
