Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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