i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize