Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
