I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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