She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
