Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
