It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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