Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
