We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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