you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
