I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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