headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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