Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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