I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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