Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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