I need to stop coming to work sober
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
