I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize