the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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