I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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