Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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