I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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