how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
