I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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