Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
