and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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