you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize