He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
God, I missed his penis.
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